


His Silent Suffering

by PlayerOneMell



Series: Echoing Words [5]
Category: Be More Chill
Genre: ANGST!!, Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Cuddling, Cutting, Fighting, Gay, Jackson Mell is homophobic, Kisses, Little bit of Fluff, Lots of Angst, Post: SQUIP, SQUIP says something in italics, Shit goes down, Spooning, Suicide (mentioned), There is a homophobic slur in here, Thunderstorms, angsty angst, boyf riends - Freeform, this one has a happy ending - kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 00:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15830172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: “I had a nightmare…. about it.” Jeremy says in a quiet voice.“It? Like the quantum tech. That it?”“Yeah, Micah. That’s it.” Jeremy exhales deeply.Michael feels bad that Jeremy has just had a nightmare as he goes into the bathroom to wash his face from the bloodstains on it.





	His Silent Suffering

It’s the same sensation of drowning and electricity pulsing through his body. A cold hello and a flashback. It’s like he’s being forced to drown at the bottom of a body of water. Pinned to the ground of a pool. He struggles for oxygen, wondering which breath will be his last. How long he will live for? How much longer can he bare the suffering for? 

 

_ Ha, now I’ll be in your mind forever. _

 

The sentence echoes through his mind on repeat. It bounced off the boundaries of his mind and dances around his brain. The technology remaining in his mind for all of eternity. Could he handle this? 

 

It’s right then and there that Jeremy wakes up gasping for air. It occurs to him that he is not drowning at all and the only water around him is the fall of rain outside, his room temperature glass of water on his night stand, and the few stray tears falling from his face. He looks down at this left wrist that has a SQUIP mark chained around it as if it were a bracelet. Except, it’s not a bracelet. It’s a scar that he didn’t want carved into his skin. Why would Jeremy want? People who do that are- Jeremy cuts off that thought remembering that his boyfriend has a cutting problem. 

 

Jeremy notices the turquoise scar is flickering and it burns his skin. The worst of Jeremy’s fear aren’t even over yet. Jeremy feels a shock rip through his body and it seems to synchronize with the thunder outside. The combination of the two make Jeremy start shrieking, the tears flowing down his face were now scolding hot. He wants Michael there for comfort. Wait - where is Michael? The had been having sleepovers lately, and Jeremy can’t help but notice that the warmth that he feels around Michael is missing. That might be because he’s screaming bloody murder, but also the fact Michael isn’t there.

 

After the shocks mostly subdue, Jeremy takes a breath. He remembers that Michael had a family dinner had to attend that night. It was about something his brother did. It always puts Jeremy on edge when he knows Michael was around Jackson. Jeremy wonders if Michael’s safely at home now, and he is praying with his little Jewish heart that Michael is in the safe. He is hoping Michael’s awake. What time is it anyhow? 

 

Jeremy rubs his eyes, trying to clear the tears. He looks at the clock to read that it is sometime around 2:27 in the morning. More thunder rolls across the sky and lightning strikes. It makes Jeremy jump. He’s always had a fear of thunderstorms. He thinks he might be going crazy, but he could’ve sworn that the lightning is blue. 

 

The young pale teen looks over to the closet and sees one of Michael’s hoodies. He wonders if he can walk over there and put it on. He usually sleeps in Michael’s hoodies, but thought he wouldn’t need it since the nightmares calmed down. Tonight, those nightmares returned. Jeremy sighs and sniffles. He tries to gather his emotions but he can’t deny the fear he feels that’s making his ribs shake. Jeremy decides to walk over to his closet on shaky legs, and at the same time checks to make sure his phone is on him. 

 

He pats down his pajama pants for his phone and retrieves it out of one of the deep pockets of his Hufflepuff sweatpants. Jeremy smiles softly, feeling a relieve sweep over him. His phone is still on 17% which is his age. Jeremy always thought things like that were fascinating. Anyhow, he decides put on the hoodie he has in his closet that belongs with Michael. It’s black with gold paint splatters all over it. It is warm and smells like Michael. It brings him joy. He loves the warmth and how it smells like his boyfriend, slushies, and weed. He flops on the bed in the oversized hoodie and calls Michael. What is Michael up to anyways? 

 

At the Mell house, there is absolutely no calm. Michael is breathing heavily as he tries to avoid eye contact with his brother. Michael’s glasses were a few feet away from him on the floor. He is just hoping Jackson won’t break them like he has done in the past. The activity that Jackson enjoys most, using Michael as a personal punching bag, has been going on for about fifteen minutes now. Michael knows it’s almost useless to resist as it is hard to hear any noise that comes out of the basement. He just can’t help but hope someone will hear him. As his brother punches him in gut Michael feels as if he could throw up, but decides he should yell for help. 

 

“MOM! MAMA! SOPHIA! HELP!” He shouts, hoping his moms or older sister will come to his rescue. “OR JEREMY FOR GOD’S SAKE!” He squeaks as he sees Jackson wind his fist back. 

 

Michael clenches his eyelids shut and squirms, trying to escape. He is hoping that something will happen. He can’t just endure all this suffering. Michael has been so good lately and hasn’t cut in two weeks. Well, at least, that’s what he told Jeremy. Is this the punishment the would is giving him for lying? Michael swallows, he doesn’t deserve this, right? 

 

“Jackson!” Sophia shouts from the top of the stairs. “Jackson Joseph Mell you put our little brother down right now!”

 

Jackson has a sly smile on his face as he drags Michael upstairs by his ear, his fingers tightening around Michael’s black earring. Michael winces every time his knees hit a step. Michael is the youngest of the three Mell siblings, but he is the tallest. He didn’t used to be. Sophia and Jackson would tease about how small he was for awhile. 

 

As Jackson reaches the top of the stairs, with Michael being forced to follow behind him, he grabs Michael’s wrists and keeps them in a firm hold. Michael can’t see anything since his glasses weren’t on his face. Michael was born nearsighted but ended up not being able to say anything after an incident with Jackson. 

 

“What do you want with the fairy? He’s just crying for help.” Jackson mumbles. 

“Jackson you are a grown man who is becoming a doctor and you should act like it, not like you’re a little kid.” Sophia crosses her arms. 

 

Sophia is a bit more stuck up then her two brothers. She runs her own law firm after all, and she is the oldest. See: Michael recently turned eighteen, Jackson is 20, and Sophia is 24. She went to college early because her father, who had died eight years ago, pushed her to get through school quickly. He thought she would run the Mell family business, but that didn’t end up being the case as both of the Mell Mothers run it now. 

 

“What’s with you being all grown up?” He hums, still holding Michael. 

“I’ve always been grown up, or maybe you don’t remember because Dad sent me away when I was fourteen and I missed out on your life.” Sophia sighs. “Drop Michael.”

“Now why should I do that?” Jackson raises an eyebrow, he pulls on Michael’s hair. 

“Dude! Not my hair!” Michael squeaks.

“Jackson, just leave him alone.” Sophia glares at him.

 

After a few moments of staring, Jackson drops Michael. He shoves him down the stairs and Sophia gasps softly. She never really helped Michael, but she always felt bad for what Jackson would put him through. Michael curled into a ball. 

 

“Happy?” Jackson raises an eyebrow. 

 

He goes upstairs to where his old bedroom is and Sophia walks downstairs and hands Michael his glasses so that he can see. Michael sniffles, wanting to cry but he has felt his phone ringing in his pocket. Michael wipes away the blood that is dripping from his nose. He is bleeding and bruised in a lot of places and the pain is throbbing in his head. Sophia helps Michael sit up against a wall and leaves him to answer his phone just as more thunder rolls in the storm clouds that are in the sky on that New Jersey night. 

 

“Mikey!” Jeremy squeaks. 

 

Jeremy is relieved that Michael has picked up the phone after calling him four times, but he is also horrified of the storm that’s outside. Michael has just noticed the storm and knows he has to get to Jeremy. He wants to be there for his boyfriend. After all, Jeremy is the love of his life. 

 

“Wh-Where are you?” Jeremy stutters over his words a bit. 

“At the bottom of a staircase with a bloody nose, a headache, and some bruises.”

 

Jeremy feels his heart jump all the way to the bottom of his stomach. He had been wondering if something bad was going to happen to Michael with his brother being around. Jeremy just wishes there was something he could for Michael, and get his brother as far away from him as possible. 

 

“Do you need to talk? I’m sorry I’m being so selfish. It’s almost three in the morning and you probably need help.”

“There’s a storm outside and you sound like you just bawled your eyes out.” Michael sighs. “I’ll be on my way. Just let me change.”

“Mikey, if Jackson just beat you up I can just go there.”

“He’s staying here for awhile. It might just be better for me if I stay at your place for awhile… if that’s cool.”

 

Michael sighs, slowly getting up. Everything feels so sore and everything throbs in the the same rhythm as Michael’s heartbeat. He isn’t sure that things could be any worse in that moment. He slowly walks to his room so he can clean up and get changed. 

 

“Yeah, sweetie. You are always welcome here, you know that.” Jeremy says softly, knowing Michael needs some love. “But I um…”

“But you what, hun?” Michael asks, placing his red hoodie with the patches on it on. 

“I had a nightmare…. about it.” Jeremy says in a quiet voice. 

“It? Like the quantum tech. That it?”

“Yeah, Micah. That’s it.” Jeremy exhales deeply. 

 

Michael feels bad that Jeremy has just had a nightmare as he goes into the bathroom to wash his face from the bloodstains on it. He notices there is a cut on his head and sighs. He decided to place a band-aid on it. He tries to be silent about this pain because he knows Jeremy is in need of some assistance for the moment. 

 

“Maybe I could sing you back to sleep? That what you want, Jer? I can do that if you want.”

“As l-long as I am all wrapped up in your w-warm in embraced.”

“The storm is really scaring you, huh?”

“I also miss you a lot.”

 

That makes Michael smile and makes his heart jump for joy. Jeremy can be such a sweetheart and Michael is so grateful that Jeremy is in his life. Michael knows that Jeremy is sunshine. Wouldn't’t that be a cute pet name? Michael wonders why he hasn’t used that as a pet name for Jeremy yet. He’s definitely willing to give it a shot. 

 

“Don’t worry, I’m on my way.” Michael hums and grabs a bag he has. 

 

Michael constantly has a bad packed for these impromptu sleepovers he has with Jeremy. It has everything Michael needs. Pajamas, toothbrush, phone charger, portable phone charger, sunglasses, fuzzy socks, a pac-man blanket, and an extra hoodie. He knows that he has some clothes at Jeremy’s house because this happen a lot. Jeremy also has clothes at Michael’s house, just in case he ends up staying the night there unexpectedly. 

 

“Thanks, babe.” Jeremy feels a small smile slowly began to spread across his face, a small blush as he longs to cuddle with Michael. 

“No problem, baby. I’ll be there soon. Let me hang up so I can drive, alright?”

“Sure thing, Player one.” Jeremy sighs, wishing Michael would hurry up.

“See ya, Player Two.”

 

With that, Michael hangs up the phone and goes into his PT Cruiser so he can drive his beauty of a car to Jeremy’s house. Michael makes sure his windshield wipers on so they can wipe away the fierce raindrops that are dropping from the sky. He wants to get to Jeremy, but is driving as safe as possible. 

 

Jeremy anxiously paces his bedroom as he awaits his boyfriend’s arrival. He feels bad that Michael is suffering too, and silently wishes to himself that all this suffering would stop. No more nightmares for him, and no more abuse for Michael. Jeremy just wants his boyfriend to be safe and happy. What can he do to prevent that? He knows that he hasn’t cut in two weeks. That’s good, right? Well, here’s the thing about that, Michael had lied to Jeremy about that. Jeremy will find out about that later. 

 

Jeremy remembers the promise they made to each other in the hospital, to tell each other when they were feeling down. Jeremy had kept up his end of the promise that night, and Michael has already broken his half. Does Michael feel guilty about it? Absolutely. Michael knew a promise like that couldn’t be kept. Michael still feels bad about breaking. He just doesn’t want to worry or be a burden to the love of his life. 

 

After, approximately, ten minutes, Michael has arrived at the humble abode that belongs to the Heere men. He parks somewhere down the street and starts running, his feet echoing against the damp pavement, until he reaches the right house. He doesn’t bother knocking because he knows Jeremy is expecting him. Michael takes out the key on his key ring for his car keys and finds the one that fits the lock of the Heere house. He knows Jeremy locks everything, even windows, when his father is out on a business trip. Michael hears the door creak open and he steps inside the house. 

 

Jeremy comes rushing down the stairs and wraps his arms around Michaels neck, burying his face in Michael’s chest. Storms really scare the lanky pale boy. Michael almost doesn’t realize what’s happening for a moment, but then wraps his arms around Jeremy’s waist. Michael presses his lips against Jeremy’s head. He is happy he is here with his boyfriend. For a moment, everything seems like it’s going to be okay. However, the night is not yet over. 

 

“Mikey, can I wear your hoodie?” Jeremy mumbles, his face still buried in Michael’s chest. 

“Why? You’re wearing one of my hoodies right now? This one is no different. It’s just… my favorite.” Michael shrugs. “Besides it’s a little damp.”

 

In this moment, it is Michael's mission to make sure he doesn’t take off the read hoodie that he is currently wearing. Why? Jeremy will see the fresh scars that he has lied about having. How long has been since Michael cut? Twelve hours. He feels guilty, and knows he eventually has to come clean. Michael knows that this is not the time to come clean. 

 

“Do you have a problem with me wearing that hoodie? I know you probably have another one on you.” Jeremy comments, pulling away so he can look up at the taller male. 

“No, I just… I’m cold.”

“Bullshit.” Jeremy scoffs. “You never get cold unless you’re super sick and you look perfect healthy to me.”

 

Michael swallows, running out of reasons, or rather excuses, as to why he should not take off his hoodie for Jeremy to wear. Usually he just agrees and gives it to Jeremy because Michael will do absolutely anything for Jeremy. What can Michael do? He doesn’t want Jeremy to see. The awkward silence makes Jeremy believe something is wrong. 

 

“Are you hiding something from me?” Jeremy asks, completely pulling away to look at Michael. “Did you do something, Michael?” 

 

Michael looks away, which is a dead give away that he had done something to himself. Of course, he could always lie and say it was Jackson’s fault. After all, Michael’s face does look pretty beat up. He just doesn’t want to lie to Jeremy anymore. 

 

“Michael, come on.” Jeremy says, concerned for what has gone unseen under the hoodie sleeves. “Just tell me.”

 

As Michael looks into Jeremy’s big blue eyes, he knows he has no choice but to come clean about the fact that he isn’t clean. Michael sighs and takes the red hoodie off. This leaves Michael in his navy blue sweatpants and a Legend of Zelda t-shirt. It reveals the new slashes on his arm. The fresh cuts that reveal that he hasn’t been two weeks clean at all. 

 

This news makes Jeremy gasp and clasp a hand over his mouth. Jeremy isn’t sure what he should immediately feel, and his emotions begin to mix in the pit of his stomach. Jeremy raises his hand in surrender and just walks away with tears stinging in his eyes. He can’t believe that Michael has broken their promise; however, that is not the only broken thing in that room. 

 

Watching Jeremy walk away like that, it makes Michael heart begin to tear and crack. He can hear the crackling noise in his ears, louder than the throbbing from his injuries. How could Jeremy just walk away when he needs help? He can’t stand to watch this. He wants to close his eyes and just pretend this entire night has been a nightmare. He wants it all to wash away and for Jeremy to help him. Michael knows that he is at fault, but how could Jeremy just walk away? 

 

“Jeremy I..” Michael’s voice trails off as he sees Jeremy’s fists clench and his knuckles go white. 

 

Seeing the image in front of him Michael fears Jeremy may hit him or something. Would Jeremy really do such a thing? Michael isn’t so sure. He’s lied and broken a promise. He is sure that he deserves to get beaten up by his twink boyfriend. He is sure that Jeremy’s bony hand connecting to his face would burn. 

 

“Michael, just don’t.” Jeremy huffs, spinning around on his heels. “I can’t believe you would do this! This is crazy! I thought you were clean and you were fine! You clearly aren’t clean, and you probably never were. This is ridiculous Michael. I can’t fucking believe you. Who the  **hell** do you think you are? You think you could lie to me? What if you ended up in the hospital again? What if you died? Do you even give a shit about the fact that this hurts me too, huh? Seriously! What the  **fuck,** Michael? I am so, so pissed at you!” That’s clear, but Jeremy’s eyes are still filled with tears as he is screaming at Michael. “I thought you were strong and could get through this, but maybe you can’t.” 

 

Michael only feels pain with the harshness of Jeremy’s words. How could Jeremy say such things? Michael knows what he did was wrong, but he can’t help himself. He might need more help than Jeremy can give him. He doesn't want to admit that. He hates doctors and therapists. 

 

“I’m not the fucking hero you think I am, Jeremy. I am a human!” Michael huffs. “I can’t magically make all your problems go away. Sure, I’ve done it once with a bottle of Mountain Dew Red bottle but that does  **not** make me a hero.” He sighs and shakes his head. “You have no idea what it felt like to be abandoned in that bathroom. I could’ve died. I wanted to die, Jeremy. I was so close to ending it that night. Then you would’ve been stuck with the SQUIP forever. Yeah, that’s right! I just said the ‘s’ Word that you aren’t strong enough to say. Although, maybe you wanted the SQUIP to say with you since you want some hero to make every perfect, huh? Well guess what? I am not a hero. I’m human, unlike that monster computer chip that’s in the back of your mind!”

 

Jeremy looks at Michael in disbelief, and is shocked with what he is hearing. Keep the SQUIP? Jeremy wishes he had never taken the gray pill. He regrets that he did, and he can safely say that it is the biggest regret in his life. Tears began to stream down his face. 

 

“You broke our promise, Michael.”

“So what? People break promises everyday.” Michael scoffs.

“But you  **never** break promises. This is not who you are. What the shit?” Jeremy says, clearly frustrated. 

“Oh, what the fuck ever. I’m having a tough time, everyone goes through shit.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to be such an asshole about it. You could at the very least tell me. I am trying to be there for you.”

“You were never good at it before, Jeremy.” Michael grumbles. 

“You son of a bitch.” Jeremy rolls his eyes. “It was one time in my life because I had a… a..”

“Still too much of a wimp?”

“Still too much of a loser?” Jeremy hisses out.  

 

With that, the room goes silence. Michael’s heart completely shatters. He doesn’t know what to do in that moment. All his anger subsides for the moment. Michael feels his just constrict and goes weak. His knees give out and he kneels on the floor. His hands his head and hides it in his hands. He starts to let out heart wrenching sobs into his hands. He never thought he would have to hear Jeremy say that word again. The word that started all the chaos in his miserable life. 

 

Jeremy realizes what he’s done and his pulled out of the scene for a moment. He can’t believe what had fallen out of his lips. The toxic word that had started all of this. Jeremy watches as Michael curls into a ball, hugging his knees to his chest. What has he done? 

 

The word is echoing in Michael’s head, bouncing everywhere in his mind. The ‘L’ word that is carved in his right bicep and will be there for all eternity. It has taken over and ruined his entire life. How could he let this happen? How could he be so weak? He hates crying and ever does. When he does, he blames it on weed. He’s not a crier. It’s just not who he is. Who has Michael become? 

 

“I didn’t mean it.” Jeremy says softly. “I didn’t mean it Michael, I’m so sorry.”

 

Jeremy’s voice gets calmer and so does the storm outside. Jeremy goes to sit on the floor across from Michael. He is unsure of what to do. He never meant to hurt Michael and is so ashamed that he done it once again. He wants Michael to be happy. That’s what he’s wanted for awhile, and he has gone and screwed it all up for Michael, again. 

 

“I’m here, Mikey. I’m not going anywhere… I shouldn’t have yelled.” Jeremy says, moving to sit next to Michael. “I was just angry, Michael. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, I’m sorry.”

 

Michael looks up at Jeremy, and Jeremy cups one of Michael’s cheeks in his hands. His thumb strokes Michael cheek and he looks at Michael lovingly. He gets up for a moment to get his big, blue, fuzzy blanket. He wraps around both him and Michael. Michael leans his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Michael says very softly, his voice tired from all that has happened that night. “For breaking the promise.”

“I know you’re trying your best.” Jeremy sighs through his nose. “Why did you break the promise, honey?”

“I… I didn’t want you to be worried about me. I hate the pitiful look your get in your eyes when I cut. Sure, it leads to great cuddling, but it doesn’t heal me in anyway.”

“So, what am I supposed to do to help? I’m trying my best.” Jeremy starts playing with Michael’s hair a bit, his other arm is wrapped around Michael. 

“I don’t know.” Michael shrugs. 

“Well, I’ll do anything for you.” Jeremy tries to reassure Michael. “Absolutely anything, Michael. Anything at all.”

 

Michael doesn’t want to tell Jeremy that he doesn’t feel like he’s getting enough help. He knows that Jeremy wants him to be happy and okay then. What is Michael willing to do get to being okay again? To get back to living his normal life. 

 

“Jeremy, I think I need more help than I’m receiving.”

“More therapy.”

“Maybe…” Michael sighs. “I was thinking more of a clinic.”

“A clinic… like a hospital for people who… who do this?” Jeremy asks, and sees Michael nod. “You wanna be sent away?”

“Yeah, I guess. Temporary. Get me back to being okay. Back to the life that I’m living.”

 

Jeremy nods, thinking about it for a moment. He might not see his boyfriend for awhile, and that would help him get better. Jeremy is sure that he will be allowed to visit and stuff. He knows that he has to do what’s best for Michael. 

 

“If you think that’s what is best… then I support your decision. You are very brave for thinking like that. Ya know what I think?”

“What, Jer?” Michael raises an eyebrow.

“The fact you can think like that? It’s sign that you wanna get better.” Jeremy smiles softly and kisses Michael’s forehead. “I think you can do it. I believe in you.”

“Thanks, baby.” Michael has a small smile on his face. “Promise you’ll come visit me, Jer bear?”

“Absolutely.” Jeremy hums. 

 

After that, Jeremy and Michael decide to go up to Jeremy’s room and get some rest. Jeremy thinks that this might be his last impromptu sleepover with Michael for awhile and tries to get in as much cuddling as he can. Jeremy sighs, it is difficult to sleep when he knows Michael might be sent away. 

 

Michael has his arms wrapped around Jeremy and his thumb is rubbing Jeremy’s back. Neither of them fall asleep for the next hour, they continue to talk. They try spooning with Jeremy as the little spoon. Michael places a kiss on his cheek. Many kisses are shared throughout the night, but eventually it was around six in the morning. 

 

“Hey, wanna go watch the sunrise?” Jeremy asks, quietly.

“I was just thinking about it.” Michael grins. 

 

So, the boys decide to slip out of bed. Jeremy keeps his blue fuzzy blanket on him and Michael follows him onto the back patio. Michael hugs Jeremy from behind, wrapping his arms around his waist. He rests his chin on top of Jeremy head and Jeremy has a rosy tint to his cheeks. He’s blushing, and he feels loved. Michael kisses his head as they talk and watch the sunrise together, unaware of what challenges lie ahead of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this work in the series. This one I had a little struggle with but worked really hard on. I hope you liked it! Share your thoughts with me.  
> I’ll see you guys next time I upload! Thank you for reading.


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